What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence can be actual or threatened physical, emotional, psychological or sexual abuse, which takes place within the context of any close relationship, usually partners / ex-partners.

It occurs across all communities regardless of social class, family income, age, sexuality, religion, ethnic or racial background, and mental or physical ability.

It arises from a misuse of power and exercise of control by one person over another. This is usually men over women but it can be women controlling men and can also happen within same sex relationships.

As well as physical violence, domestic violence can involve a wide range of abusive and controlling behaviour, including threats, harassment, financial control and emotional abuse.

Domestic violence is very common with 1 in 4 women experiencing it in their lifetime and two women dying every week at the hands of violent partners.

Every minute in the UK, the Police receive a call from the public for assistance for domestic violence. This leads to police receiving an estimated 1,300 calls each day or over 570,000 each year. (Stanko, 2000).

Recognising abuse

Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse.

This list may help you to recognise if you, or someone you know, are in an abusive relationship - Criticism; verbal abuse; shouting; name calling; threatening; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions; persistently putting you down; breaking trust; lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous; having other relationships; breaking promises; isolation; checking telephone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing friends and relatives; harassment; following you; checking up on you; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; threatening to kill or harm you and the children; sexual violence; rape; physical violence; punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling; denial; saying the abuse doesn't happen; saying you caused the abusive behaviour; being different in public; begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.

This list is not exhaustive but highlights the varying range of emotional, mental, physical and sexual types of abuse.

Who are the victims?

Domestic violence takes place within the context of a close relationship, usually partners / ex-partners. It occurs across all communities regardless of social class, family income, age, sexuality, religion, ethnic or racial background, and mental or physical ability. Men usually perpetrate the abuse over women but it can be women controlling men and can also happen within same sex relationships. However, whilst both men and women may experience incidents of violence, women are considerably more likely to experience repeated and severe forms of violence, including sexual violence.

What about male victims of domestic violence?

Women's Aid recognises that our work, information and support is predominently focused on women; controlling and abusive behaviour can also occur by women against men. Every person has the right to live a life free from violence.

Studies do show that men are less likely to seek support from services or talk to anyone about their experiences. They also show that, like women, the abuse men suffer is not just physical but can be emotional, psychological and financial - similarly making them feel powerless, isolated and depressed. Studies also show that men are less likely to report the incident and those who did report it commonly had feelings of being disbelieved.

There is sometimes a misunderstanding that there are no services in North East Lincolnshire for men who need help and support. In fact, most agencies will support men suffering abuse. One of the ‘Drop In’ facilities (click 'What Help is Available' icon) is available to anyone experiencing domestic violence and therefore can be accessed by men. Housing providers, agencies, council, social services, etc would be understanding of any person suffering domestic abuse. The only provision locally that is not available to men is that of the women's refuge and centre - however, there are other hostel providers to compensate for this.

What are the effects of domestic violence?

Victims are affected by domestic violence in a number of ways:

Isolation from family/friends; loss of income or work; homelessness; loss of opportunity; emotional/psychological effects such as experiences of anxiety, depression or lowered sense of self-worth; poor health; physical injury or ongoing impairment; Death.

Why do women stay in or return to violent relationships?

Whilst the risk of staying may be very high, simply leaving the relationship does not guarantee that the violence will stop. In fact, the period during which a woman is planning or making her exit is often the most dangerous time for her and her children. Many women are frightened of the abuser, and with good reason, as it is not uncommon for perpetrators to threaten to harm or even kill their partners or children if she leaves.

However, there may also be other reasons why a woman may not be ready to leave: she may still care for her partner and hope that things will change (many women do not necessarily want to leave the relationship, they just want the violence to stop); she may feel ashamed about what has happened or believe that it is her fault; she may be scared of the future (where she will go, what she will do for money, whether she will have to hide forever and what will happen to the children); she may be isolated from family or friends or be prevented from leaving the home or looking for help; she may have low self-esteem; she may believe that it is better to stay for the sake of the children (eg wanting a father for her children and/or wishing to prevent the stigma associated with being a single parent).

Women and children need to have options and be supported to make safe changes for themselves and their children. Resources and support they will need to leave safely include: money, housing, help with moving, transport, ongoing protection from the police, legal support to protect her and the children, and emotional support. If a woman is not sure that these are available to her, this may also prevent her from leaving.

Who is responsible for the violence?

The abuser is. Always. There is no excuse for domestic violence. The abuser has a choice to use violence for which they are responsible and for which they should be held accountable. They do not have to use violence. They can choose, instead, to behave non-violently and foster a relationship built on trust, honesty, fairness and respect.

The victim is never responsible for the abuser's behaviour.

'Blaming the victim' is something that abusers will often do to make excuses for their behaviour. This is part of the pattern and is in itself abusive. Sometimes abusers manage to convince their victims that they are to blame for the abuser's behaviour. Blaming their behaviour on someone else, the relationship, their childhood, their ill health, or their alcohol or drug addiction is an abuser's way of avoiding personal responsibility for their behaviour. For more information about perpetrators, we recommend you visit the Respect website: www.respect.uk.net   [opens a new window].

What are the effects of domestic violence on children?

The majority of children witness the violence that is occurring. It can be witnessed in a variety of ways. For example, they may be in the same room and may even get caught in the middle of an incident in an effort to make the violence stop; they may be in the room next door and hear the abuse or see their mother's physical injuries following an incident of violence; they may be forced to stay in one room or may not be allowed to play; they may be forced to witness sexual abuse or they may be forced to take part in verbally abusing the victim. ALL children witnessing domestic violence are being emotionally abused.

From 31 January 2005 Section 120 of the Adoption and Children Act 2002 came into force, which extends the legal definition of harming children to include harm suffered by seeing or hearing ill-treatment of others, especially in the home.

Children are individuals and may respond to witnessing abuse in different ways. They may

• be anxious or depressed
• have difficulty sleeping
• have nightmares or flashbacks
• be easily startled
• start to wet their bed
• have temper tantrums
• behave as though they are much younger
• have problems with school
• become aggressive or they may internalise their distress and withdraw from other people
• have a lowered sense of self-worth
• begin to play truant or start to use alcohol or drugs

Children may also feel angry, guilty, insecure, alone, frightened, powerless or confused. They may be confused about their feelings towards the abuser and the non-abusing parent. We believe that a boy who has witnessed domestic violence does not have to grow up to be an abuser and a girl does not have to become a victim of domestic violence later in life. Anti-violence education in schools and other programmes that educate children about healthy relationships and effective conflict resolution skills are important preventive measures.

"At least 750,000 children a year witness domestic violence. Nearly three quarters of children on the 'at risk' register live in households where domestic violence occurs" (Department of Health, 2002).

One of the reasons women stay in the home is that they believe their children will be taken away from them when in fact there are more likely to be concerns if the children are constantly experiencing and witnessing domestic violence in their homes.

Website for children put in children page as well

Children can visit the website of thehideout.org.uk which is designed specially for young people. The front page of the website reads:

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