Abuse Is Not Always Physical

TL;DR: Domestic abuse does not have to involve physical violence. It can include emotional abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, threats, intimidation and controlling behaviour. Sometimes the signs are subtle, but if someone's behaviour is making you feel frightened, controlled or unable to make your own choices, it matters.

When people hear the words domestic abuse, they might immediately think about physical violence.

But domestic abuse can look very different.

It can be:

• Someone controlling your money

• Checking where you are

• Deciding who you can see

• Putting you down until you begin to doubt yourself

• Monitoring your phone

• Making you feel frightened about saying no.

There may never be a bruise or visible injury but that does not make it any less real.

As we explain in our guide to understanding the signs of domestic abuse, domestic abuse is often a pattern of behaviour used to control, frighten or isolate another person.

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can be difficult to recognise, particularly when individual behaviours are dismissed as arguments, jealousy or someone simply having a bad temper.

It might include:

• Constant criticism or belittling

• Name-calling or humiliation

• Blaming you for their behaviour

• Making you question your own memory or judgement

• Withdrawing affection or communication as punishment

• Making demands and changing the rules

• Isolating you from friends or family

• Telling you that nobody else would want you

• Minimising what has happened or telling you that you are overreacting

Over time, these behaviours can affect confidence and make someone increasingly unsure of their own decisions.

Financial abuse

Money can also be used as a means of control.

Financial abuse might mean someone:

• Controls all the household money

• Makes you account for every penny you spend

• Prevents you from working or earning your own income

• Takes your wages, benefits or savings

• Makes financial decisions without involving you

• Builds up debts in your name

• Restricts your access to bank accounts

• Deliberately leaves you without enough money for essentials

Financial abuse can make someone feel trapped because leaving can seem impossible without access to money or financial independence.

We look at this in more detail in When Money Is Used As Control.

Controlling and coercive behaviour

Control does not always look dramatic from the outside.

It can build gradually until everyday life becomes shaped around avoiding another person's reaction.

Someone may:

• Tell you what you can wear

• Decide where you can go

• Stop you seeing particular people

• Constantly call or message to check where you are

• Demand access to your phone, messages or social media

• Monitor your location

• Control when you leave the house

• Decide what you can buy

• Make rules that only apply to you

• Threaten consequences if you do not do what they want

One behaviour on its own may not always seem significant, it's often the wider pattern that matters.

• Are you changing what you do because you are worried about their reaction?

• Are you constantly trying to keep the peace?

• Do you feel that you need permission to make ordinary decisions?

Those feelings can be important signs that something is wrong.

Threats and intimidation

Someone does not have to physically hurt you to make you frightened and threats and intimidation can include:

• Threatening to hurt you or someone you care about

• Threatening to harm themselves if you leave

• Destroying your belongings

• Punching walls or throwing things

• Standing over you or invading your personal space

• Following or stalking you

• Driving dangerously to frighten you

• Threatening to share private information or images

• Using children, pets or other people as a way to control you

The fear created by a threat can itself become a powerful form of control.

Sexual abuse within relationships

Being married to someone or being in a relationship with them does not remove your right to consent.

Sexual abuse can include being pressured, manipulated or forced into sexual activity you do not want but consent should be freely given and someone simply being your partner does not give them an automatic right to sex or sexual contact.

Technology can be used as control too

Phones and technology can make some forms of abuse easier to hide, including:

• Checking messages or call histories

• Demanding passwords

• Monitoring social media accounts

• Tracking someone's location

• Repeatedly messaging or calling

• Using smart home devices or cameras to monitor someone

• Controlling access to online banking or accounts

Something presented as concern or wanting to "keep you safe" can become controlling when it removes your privacy, independence or choice.

You don't have to wait for it to become physical

This is perhaps the most important thing to understand:

• You do not have to wait for someone to physically hurt you before asking for help.

• You do not need to have a label for what is happening.

• You do not need to have decided whether you want to leave.

• And you do not need to have everything worked out before speaking to someone.

• If a relationship is making you feel frightened, controlled, isolated or unsafe, you can talk to us.

You can find more information on our website about the subjects discussed in this artice, and specifically Domestic abuse and the different forms it can take or explore the support available through Women's Aid North East Lincolnshire.

If something doesn't feel right, talk to us

Our team can listen without judgement and talk through the options available to you.

You can call Women's Aid North East Lincolnshire on 01472 575757 (Option 1).

You can also access confidential outreach support or come along to one of our domestic abuse drop-in sessions across North East Lincolnshire.

You don't have to be ready to make a big decision and sometimes the first step is simply talking to someone who understands.

If you are in immediate danger, call 999.